Hornsby's Hard Apple Cider

Boy, oh boy, do I have a treat for you. My good buddy Chris has agreed to do hard cider reviews. Chris, due to genetic anomolies, is allergic to wheat, thus traditional beer makes him quite ill (perish the thought).

So here is his first review, forwarded on to you, dear reader, by me, Kenji.

Hornsby’s Hard Apple Cider

3/19

First of all, I would like to praise Hornsby’s for its availability, which is no doubt due to its status as a subsidiary of Gallo wineries. As one for whom it is physically unwise to drink beer and who has bad things happen to him when he chugs wine, it is nice to have an alternative alcoholic beverage that I can consume at the same rate as those drinking beer around me. I often find myself at a random supermarket, little country store, or hole-in-the-wall bar in search of a low-percentage alcoholic beverage that won’t send me into convulsions. More often than not, Hornsby’s is what I find. More often than not, it’s not that good.
Hard ciders tend to fall under two extremes: those that are so fruity that you think you’re drinking fruit juice (perhaps with an infusion of molten Jolly Ranchers), and those that are extremely dry—even beer-like—and refer back to their fruit origins more subtly and primarily in the aftertaste. Hornsby’s falls somewhere in between these two extremes, and does not come out the better for it. It has a mildly sweet apple flavor not unlike the apple juices they sell at fast food restaurants, but with a somewhat unpleasant- tasting alcoholic flavor reminiscent of rubbing alcohol. The aftertaste suggests rubbing alcohol first, apples second—no surprises here. Sip it and you’ll get sick of it after a while, chug it and you’ll get sick of it sooner but find yourself with a bit of a buzz (don’t forget, its alcohol content is 6.4%).

Sure you’ll be able to find Hornsby’s without looking too hard, making it suitable as a safety cider, but at the end of the day how can you be sure that you’re not getting buzzed by some old Treetop apple juice spiked with rubbing alcohol?

WDTB? Rhino lovers: a Rhino is on the logo—it’s called ‘HORN’-sby’s after all—and to our knowledge no rhinos were harmed in the making of this beverage. Girls under the misapprehension that this is a desperate non-beer-drinkers’ “girly” drink. Middle school alcoholics (we know you’re out there).

WSDTB? The makers of this beverage, so they can taste this monstrosity for themselves and improve upon the formula.

Who Doesn’t Drink This Beer? Guys under the misapprehension that this is a “girly” drink. A friend of a friend who brews cider to 10-14%, thus making it a non-“girly” drink. The English.

Rating: 3.9/10

***I can't find any homepage for Hornsby's, which is super strange. Ah, Fuck it.***